Do This........

1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 
2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's definitely obsolete. 
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade. 
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction 
6- To err is human... but to completely screw things up requires a computer. 
7- He who laughs last has already made a back-up. 
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.


If we Fail
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"


Do you remember
Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. 
With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" 
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" 
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" 
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


Listening to the Ground
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" 
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. 
"Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up again and says, "Ran over me a half a hour ago."


Mistakes
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."


These are all true - probably.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing anybody who opposed them. 
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 
It is hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys; but on the other hand, although eagles may soar, turkeys don't get sucked into jet engines. 
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has already figured out who's the scapegoat. 
Plagiarism saves time.


Management
If at first you don't succeed, try management. 
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. 
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 
We waste time, so you don't have to. 
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. 
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 
Succeed in spite of management. 
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment


Things To Ponder 
1. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. How can "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. If one "expected the unexpected" then the unexpected couldn't exist, Right?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is fancy lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you then read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?


What's The Difference??
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with some-thing and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?", asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means. "He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"