Rabbits

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
    

360 Circle

The air controller, working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"


Made it to Heaven?
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Helloooooo… Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, oooover and oooooooover."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?: Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm now a buffalo in Montaaaaaaaana."


Guy-talk demystified.
"I'M GOING FISHING":
Translation: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH, SURE HONEY, OR YES DEAR"
Translation: Quite meaningless. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translation: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND"
Translation: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Translation: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"
"THAT'S INTERESTING DEAR"
Translation: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translation: "I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned,.... but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES"
Translation: "The girl selling them was a real babe"
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL"
Translation: " I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translation: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translation: " It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translation: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU"
Translation: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translation: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm Starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translation: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Translation: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."



The Letter
This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the US. The bank thought it amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. 
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 to 25 The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. 
This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
......."Oh, the banks are made of marble
....... With a guard at every door
....... And the vaults are filled with silver
....... That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Name
Your humble client.


Said in Court
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Box Clever?
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I
was an only child. - Steven Wright


Due Credit
The trouble with doing something right the first time, is then that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.


Ain't that so…?
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.


A Straight line….
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.