Scholastic Career
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"


Perspective View
"A Developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. 
An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods." --Dennis Miller


Dry Humor
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" 
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."
"When?" asked the visitor.
"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with the account of Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher drawled, "we got nearly half an inch that year."


Entrepreneur 
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a his papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy just ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


On the Blink….
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. 
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


No Bull 
After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and sent him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other. "Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The hard part was getting the cow to sit down on that darn stool!"


Universal Truth
There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. Then there is a second theory, which postulates that this has already happened.


Bumper Sticker
"Metaphors be with you." 


Ergo…….
It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. 
To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.
The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."
So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."


Plain truth. 
"The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his mother's mouth. Which, when you think about it, probably left the mother looking quite blank". (according to Robert Benchley)


Final Analysis
When weeding, the best way to make quite that sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant, is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was not a weed.


Quotes….
"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?" (Christy Murphy)
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." (Marty Feldman)


Well, well…….
A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a 
wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well. 
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "Wow, it WORKS!"


A Fine Story…..
Here is a supposedly true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: 
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. 
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." 
Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. 
Three weeks later, the same student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


Off Key….
Two keys hang in the undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the vehicles in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymns" and "Hearse."


Great Shape
You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78!" replied the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I've lived pretty much of an outdoor life."


Factor X
Noah opens up the great front doors on the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing them again when he notices that there are two snakes still sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." 
"Well, that's just it, you see Mr Noah", said the snakes, "We can't, because we're adders."


Perfectly Reasonable Observations: 
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. ~ Dick Cavett
My kids never understood logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.
"One thing about the speed of light...it gets here too early in the morning." - Unknown
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished one hamburger, a cheese pizza and 2 bags of chips. 


I feel better already. 
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig."


PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same kind of way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


That's Easy……
Fred and Harry took their lunches into the local cafe to eat.
"Hey!" shouted the proprietor. "You can't eat your own food in here!" 
"O - kay," said Fred, and they promptly swapped their sandwiches.


Liquid Lunch
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. 
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. 
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same little snake had come back with three more worms.
May be Sung to 'The Sound of Music'. 
DOH RE MI BEER, by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer... 
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer... 
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer, 
FAR..... the distance to my beer 
SO...... I think I'll have a beer... 
LA...... La la la la la la beer 
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... 
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass) 
D'OH!


You've got to be quick….
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping." --Rita Rudner


Dusty Answer…
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day they come out with a 'ride on' vacuum cleaner."


The Thief
A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand he decided to take them all in and have them repaired. 
On the bus on the way home he picked up the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella and got off the bus much embarrassed. 
The next week he went to pick up his merchandise and when he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman. 
She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"


Second Opinion….
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away".
"What?", screamed the man, "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, The Retriever sadly shook its head and barked. The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for 600 dollars. The dog's owner went berserk. "600 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word or it, it would have been 50 dollars, but you insisted on the Lab report and the Cat scan....." 


Same on the other side, but different. 
A Tibetan housewife smelled something burning in the kitchen. 
When she rushed in and saw smoke pouring out of the oven she cried out, "Oh, my baking yak!"


A Line Joke
"According to a recent report, this years airline passengers have been subject to longer delays and ruder service than ever before. 
When interviewed about this, a spokesperson for the airlines said, 'Shut up and get back in line!' -- Conan O'Brien
The Price of Fame…..
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." 
The patient said, "Please give me the good news first." 
"They're going to name a disease after you."


Today's Joke - 
Q. What's black and blue, and floats in the Irish sea?
A. The Englishman who told one too many Irish Jokes.........


A classic tale. 
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
This is the true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...


Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put " Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. 
am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, I swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. 
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I had to lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.


Deep thoughts from comedian Steven Wright....... 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals...
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?


Deer Tracks
There was a Mexican, Indian, and an Aggi. They were all out camping, when the Indian said "Me hungry me go find food." So he heads out. Later that night he comes back with a deer on his shoulder. 
The Mexican says, "How you catch deer?"
The Indian replied, "Me be very, very quiet, Me follow tracts, me shot, me catch deer."
So the next day the Mexican went out he also returned later that night with a deer on his shoulder too. The Aggi said, "How did you catch that deer?"
The Mexican said, "Me be very, very quiet, me follow tracts, me shot, me catch deer."
So the next day the Aggi went out. He returned the following day all black and blue. The Indian asked, "What happen?"
The Aggi replied, "Me be very, very quiet, me follow tracts, me shot, me get hit by train..."


My Goldfish Died
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


Ups and downs
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG"! The man immediately leans out his window and offers a suggestion of his own. They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into the pig in the middle of the road.


Sum it up this way….
Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!


How's That Again?? 
"If you've enjoyed watching this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you." --Michael Palin, Monty Python's Flying Circus