TUESDAY, AUGUST 03, 2004 Captured Moments Published in Double Feature by Emma Bull and Will Shetterly (NESFA Press, 1994). This work is hereby released into the Public Domain. To view a copy of the public domain dedication, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/publicdomain/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 559 Nathan Abbott Way, Stanford, California 94305, USA. Captured Moments by Will Shetterly I remember Papa's stopbox, a teal blue Tiempo Capturado that Mama brought home for his birthday. It was huge and inefficient, and she should never have spent so many pesos on a toy, but Papa would not let her return it. He used it to preserve baby tomatoes, cucumbers, and strawberries in translucent cubes that he stored in the pantry for spring-time meals in the middle of winter. Mama kept her mink jacket, a family hand-me-down, safe from time in a stopbox, and lent the capturador to my uncle for his stamp collection. Sometimes they would let us little ones to seal a treasured toy or a last piece of birthday cake until we begged them for its release, usually a few hours after enclosing it. When my father died, a year after my mother, my sisters and I cleaned out their apartment. We found our baby shoes protected in stopboxes. I took mine home, where they sat above my computer while I worked on my first play. One night when I did not believe love had ever existed for anyone, I used my own capturador, a sleek titanium Sanyo Tardar Ahora, to undo the stopbox. Bringing my face close to the shoes, I breathed deeply of air that my parents had trapped while closing up that symbol of their love for me. The instant would have been improved had my baby shoes been cleaned before they were encased. But as soon as I coughed, I laughed, and I did not try to kill myself that night. Let me begin again. I like life on the resort worlds -- always have and, after the upcoming mindwipe, always will. Last year, I rented a small house on Vega IV, a sea world, all islands and reefs and archipelagos, turquoise waters and aquamarine skies, sunrises like symphonies and sunsets like stars gone supernova. There's only one city: called Nuevo Acapulco in La Enciclopedia del Empirio de la Humanidad, it's N'apulco to the locals. The N'apulcans are mostly emigrants from Polaris II; the only difference between them and their Carribbean ancestors is that the ancestors fleeced NorAm tourists. Now the N'apulcans profit from their Hispanic siblings. I don't mean to sound cynical. I suppose I wish to show that I'm still capable of a certain authorial distance, a semblance of dispassionate observation. The following events may indicate otherwise. In fine tourist tradition, most homes on Vega IV are named. Mine was The Sleeping Flamingo, and its outer walls were coral pink. Were they mood-sensitive, they would have changed as I first viewed them. The rental agent, an attractive N'apulcan named Tasha Cortez, was not mood-sensitive either. She said, "It's beautiful, isn't it, Señor Flynn?" My instinct was to gesture curtly with a cupped hand that she lift the wind boat and take me elsewhere. But she was young and attractive (as I have said and may say again) and eager and so happy to be assisting the infamous Bernardo Flynn that I merely raised an eyebrow in mild scepticism. And then, because a playwright cannot resist a promising line, I said, "Your Sleeping Flamingo should be put to sleep." To say her face fell would do a disservice to Tasha and to literature. (Allow me my self-indulgences as you would those of a dying man -- when I convince my mindsmith to permit the wipe, there will be another Bernardo Flynn, one who knows no more of Tasha Cortez or Vega IV than he reads here.) Her brows drew together, creasing the lovely, caramel-colored skin around her eyes and showing the pattern for an old woman's wrinkles on her forehead. Her lower lip (a trifle too narrow for her face, perhaps her only physical flaw) thrust forward slightly as she started to speak. She caught herself, slid her jaw infinitesimally back into place, and said, "You don't like it?" I laughed. What could I do? I clapped her shoulder to show I was not laughing at her. "Like it? I hate it, despise it, abhor it! It's gaudy, graceless, pretentious -- That house is an affront to taste and intelligence. I should buy it to raze it, but I am not so kind-hearted. I might, however, rent it." I think she only heard the last words of my speech. "You will?" "It amuses me. Show me around, and then I shall decide." "Of course, Señor Flynn." "And stop calling me 'señor'. Not even Los Mundos is so polite. Call me Bernardo." "If you wish." "I beg you, change the color of the walls, at the very least." "But of course!" The house walls shifted from pink to lavender. I stared. "How's that?" I looked at her. "Worse?" I nodded. "I would not have thought it possible." She frowned. "It is rather ugly." "Thoroughly ugly," I corrected with smile. "Obscenely ugly," said she, smiling too. "No." I pointed. "It has no tower." "I can fix that." She reached for another dial on the house controls. "Don't you dare!" Her wrist, when I grabbed it, was smooth and strong and warm in my fingers. "I'll take it. Exactly as it is." "You will?" "I must. God knows what you might do to it next." Reluctantly, I released her hand. The interior of The Flamingo was a welcome surprise. Cloudwood had been used in a Mediterranean manner, making the house seem primitive and civilized at the same time. The kitchen and baths had every convenience that I desired. From the living room, the view of the beach struck me with such intensity that Tasha asked if I felt ill. All I could say was, "No. I'm in love." We both thought I referred to the vista. It's strange how one can write delightedly of the happier moments of life, forgetting the things that one would forget by remembering fully the things one would remember, and suddenly the forgotten, in revenge, rears up to savage the unwary. So it was as I wrote the preceding. My heart convulsed, and I left this manuscript for a three-day spree. Apparently I was so successful that it lasted a week and a half. Not bad for an eighty-three-year-old, even for one who has his rejuve every month. And if I can brag and digress so easily, this must not be painful enough to merit a mindwipe, yes? No. I abandoned these notes to my future self to have the wipe done immediately, thinking that Bernardo Flynn should receive such services when he needed them, even should the need arise at the third hour after midnight. My mindsmith is not so understanding. She says I am emotionally a child, to which I reply, "Of course. Why else would I come to you?" This logic does not soothe her; she says I must wait three weeks. Three!. Such is the law. I say I do not care about law, I care about service and she should care about money. Enough. I went on a spree, and it must have been a good one. I hope the wipe is as successful with my time on Vega IV as my spree was with my time here. I dimly remember three bedpartners who were probably human, and one that I hope was delirium. I will not answer the phone for a week, no matter whose face appears on it. I keep evading the issue. But which issue? The issue of why I am evading the issue, or the issue itself? To deal with the first: it hurts to remember. If I am capable of love, I loved Tasha Cortez. If I am not, I had the perfect mirror for my narcissism. As for the issue itself, I'm no longer sure what I want to record. The playwright in me wants every scene of our time together. The editor says no, only those that are relevant. The sufferer says no, only those which cause no pain. And the artist says no, only those which cause the most pain, for those would be the truest memories. So I shall soothe my quarreling selves with a compromise. I will not talk of the first time Tasha and I tried any act of sex or sport together. I can remember similar things with others. Tasha's witchery lay in making old acts new. Is that love? Probably not. But it is something marvelous and rare, which is surely a sign of love. If my love for her was the only important thing, I would leave a holo of her with a note: "Dear Future, this is Tasha Cortez. You loved her. With warmest regards, Your Past." Enough. Tasha and I walked through The Sleeping Flamingo together, and I decided to buy it. Then -- This is not easy. I stand up, I walk around, I pretend someone makes a vid about a writer and I must enact every cliche. I cannot decide what's important. But I have learned something: writing trivializes. The Tasha who was is not the Tasha in this file. The Tasha in this file is not even the Tasha I loved and thought I knew. The Tasha in this file would walk through a net show in half an hour, including commercials, and just before an ad for Figuero's Flash Diapers -- Keeps Baby Driest!, she -- Tasha is not the whole of what happened on Vega IV. I must also write about Emiliano Gabriel Malaquez. Future Self, you know our style well enough to tell that time has passed between the last sentence and this. Not another spree --at least, not like the other. I have been re-reading all our favorite books -- But neither of us care to dwell on such boring subjects, do we? I want to pick up with Tasha and me walking about The Sleeping Flamingo, and then, for the sake of literary convenience, to say that from a corner of the yard I saw a neighboring house, and the sight filled me with darkest forebodings. But the truth is that Tasha pointed it out from the one place where it could barely be seen, and I only felt envy that it had been designed by someone with understated good taste. "Who lives there?" I asked. "No one," Tasha replied. Truth is always more boring than fiction. For Malaquez did not move into Dream's End until four or five months after I -- we? how does one speak to one's future self? -- occupied The Flamingo. I do not plan to write a book: this narrative must move more quickly. Tasha and I became lovers that evening, after a good dinner of paella at her apartment. I made some small joke afterward, about approving of her firm's business incentives, and she cried. Consoling her, I began to suspect I loved her. I moved into The Flamingo the next day; and she gave up her apartment three weeks later to join me. It was the sort of romance that happens so rarely that most people believe it does not happen at all, the sort of romance that sustains the hopeless billions who regularly watch A Wandering Star Called Love. (Which is to say, you and me, Future Self.) Who was Tasha Cortez? She was a twenty-four-year-old (Terran Standard) N'Apulcan who left university training in hydroponics to work for her aunt's real estate firm. Her family said she did it to support her father, who was dying of a particularly painful degenerative disease. Tasha said she woke up one morning convinced that if she spent another day studying vegetables, she would become one. She did not like my plays. I had impressed her because I was famous and amusing and not, as I had hoped, because I was a great artist. That bothered (yes, and intrigued) me until I realized that she was bored by most plays, movies, and vid. She did not like being a spectator. I often told her that she should have a bio-check to see if she suffered from some metabolic imbalance. I often told her too many things. Search "Emiliano Malaquez" and you'll find he's a master of the "captured moment" school of sculpture. Even The Terran Times has only praise for his work. To compare his pieces to those of others is to compare mannequins to living models. He accents the illusion of reality --I paraphrase his entry in La Enciclopedia Humanica --by doing life-size scenes in "the full round," never the easier frontal or three-quarters view. Moreover, he never did portraits of famous people; his works were therefore the reality and could never be compared to it. As is typical of his school, his pieces are sealed in stopboxes. The shimmer of light on their surfaces always reminds us that we're looking at an instant snatched from under the hooves of time. They say the cubes will outlast planets and suns, that when the universe dies, the works of Malaquez and his followers will be the last things seen in the final wink of God's eye. Yes, Self, I am also bothered that this observation ignores half-eaten cheese sandwiches, incomplete insect collections, and locks of infants' hair, forgotten in closets, basements, and warehouses. You see the inspiration for my latest play, "Captured Moments." The mindwipe will take its creation from my future self --but time too often does that without aid. The play's second act concludes with the last fight between Tasha and me. I have disguised us in the play, and deleted one brief melodramatic interchange. Now I will mention it, in case I/You decide to restore it. Shortly before she left, Tasha said, "You steal from life for art, Bernardo. You'll impoverish yourself." I only snarled at her and -- My story leaps ahead of itself. Let me retreat and retrench: One night during N'apulco's mild winter, Tasha returned to The Flamingo, saying, "Nardo! Nardo! Guess what?" My mind was on other things. "You wish to become pregnant? I suppose I could assist a friend. Purely for the sake of the race, of course --" "Ever the altruist. Still, if I do decide, we could practice --" Later, I said, "You've been chosen to succeed the Emperor." "What?" "My guess." She batted at my nose like a cat. "Silly Nardo." "Then I give up." "Emil Malaquez is buying the house up the hill." "Oh." "You don't know who he is?" "Well..." "Nardo!" One of the many things I liked about her was that she often thought me shockingly ignorant. "That's, uh..." I am never so quick-witted in person as I am on the page. Especially when someone thinks me shockingly ignorant. "You know, the sculptor. He's had shows in Brazil and New Madrid and everywhere! He may be more famous than you." "Imagine that." I remembered an article in The Medusa and a photo of a work in which 100-peso notes fell like confetti onto a small Undersider, sexlessly young in grimy, oversized clothing. The child's face was a warground for wonder and mistrust. Imprisoned light from forgotten streetlamps snagged itself on metal threads in the fluttering pesos. The stars themselves might have fallen on the Undersider and the event would have been no less strange, no less miraculous. "A great artist will grace this world, then?" "Nardo!" She was never tolerant of my ego. "Well. What's this more-famous-than-me person like?" "I didn't meet him, jealous old one." "Too bad. If I thought he could free me from you --" "Hah!" She wrapped her arms around my stomach. "You'll never be free of me, old man!" The next evening, she arrived with a stack of glistening stopboxes containing sushi, sashimi, oysters in their shells, and Terran vegetables fresh plucked from their hydroponic beds. Wondering about the reason for her extravagance, I asked how work had gone that day. "Emil came in. He's taking Dream's End." "Emil?" "You've no memory left, old one. Emil Malaquez." "Ah. You did that to test my affections." "What?" "Calling him by his first name. I did that in a comedy once.'Nights with Karl and Groucho.' It was before your time." "Oh." "The critics liked it." "I'm glad." A moment later: "That's not why I called him 'Emil'." "No?" "No. We lunched together. He's nice." "Oh." "It wasn't like that." "You're free." "Of course. Still, it wasn't like that. You think I sleep with every famous person I meet?" As you may have guessed, we had talked about such things. I do not claim ours was a perfect affair, only a wonderful one. "Tasha --" "Do you?" "No." "Good. I invited him to dinner tomorrow." "Oh?" "He'll be our neighbor. You say we're becoming too insular, that we need to socialize --" "I've socialized for sixty-three years." "Nardo?" "Yes?" "How should I reply?" Her voice had grown quiet, and I began to feel some guilt. I had, it is true, told her that we needed other company than our own. I said this from years of learning that romances consume themselves without other fuel. But knowing this did not mean I wanted it. I said, "Truthfully." It was the statement of a younger and crueler man than I. She screamed, "I haven't socialized with Terra's elite for most of my life! I haven't socialized with hardly anyone for hardly any of my life! And I invite a neighbor, one nice, lonely man --" "I'm sorry." " --who took me to -- What?" "I'm sorry. Truly." "Oh." She studied me as a suspicious puppy might, then said, "I'm sorry, too." "I suppose I sound like I'm bragging when I talk of the things I'm tired of." "Only because you are." She smiled. I had to grin, so I did. "True." "He may come to dinner?" "If you wish, he may be dinner." "I love you." "And I, you." Months earlier, we might have sought a bed, a couch, or a comfortable chair at this point. Instead, I asked, "Is he handsome?" "You're jealous." "A tiny bit. Extremely." "Content yourself, old one. He's four inches shorter than I, his nose is big and broken, and --" "This is cosmetic?" "He's not that ugly. I think they're his natural features." "Interesting." "You could write a play about someone like him." "Perhaps." "I think his face is his form of vanity. It's the reverse of you with those ridiculous stomach muscles. Old men should be fat." "Is Emil?" "Yes." "I am jealous. I'll eat two dinners tonight. Five deserts." She giggled. And then we did make love. I've been thinking about the mindwipe, now two days away. Who said that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it? I fear that may be true for me. Add this to the reasons I write now: to remember something, perhaps even to learn -- Emil Malaquez arrived after sundown, carrying a small package wrapped in what looked like real paper. His evening dress was formal, expensive, and slightly stained, as that of all forgetful artists should be. He was a jovial man with an easy laugh, and even uglier than Tasha had suggested. I liked him immediately. "Señor Malaquez?" "Please. Call me Emil. You must be Bernardo. Tasha's told me much about you." "All of it outrageous praise?" "All of it." "Ah, she is wonderfully perceptive." He raised an eyebrow, then guffawed. "Has she said as much about me?" "She thinks you are a genius. Do come in." "Thank you." Stepping into the living room, he said, "A beautiful house." "I'm glad you came after dark." Tasha, by accident or design, had found an innocently erotic posture on the couch, where she lay with a book of M'duvian prints. "Emil!" She leapt up. "I did not expect you --" "So early?" " --on time. It's unforgiveable, but you're forgiven." She nodded at the package. "What's that?" "For your kindness in inviting a stranger into your home." He held it out, and with a delighted "Oh!" Tasha snatched it from him to rip away the paper. I stopped writing, and only the thought that I might miss the mindwipe kept me from another spree. I went walking, but after N'apulco, Rio seems no fit abode for a creature of flesh. I walked from this hotel to the old city, past the end of the slidewalks and softwalks to the hard, cracked pavement of City Park. But Undersiders left me alone. Perhaps they recognized a fellow ghost. So I returned, and slept, and now the mindwipe is thirteen hours away. The side of Malaquez's parcel gave way to reveal a greenmunk caught in a sheen of solid air. Bits of leaf mold flew from under his feet as he ran to greet a friend or a bringer of food. Tasha oohed in awe. I said, "Frodo's been visiting you, eh?" Malaquez said, "Your pet?" "Hardly. He lives around here somewhere. I suppose he was attracted to the commotion up the hill." "Ah," Malaquez said. "Why 'Frodo'?" Tasha said, "A little fellow with big, furry feet. What else could he be called?" She handed the sculpture to me. I almost dropped it; I expected it to weigh no more than a holo. "Heavy," I said, as if he might not have known. He laughed. "My last piece was of four old Undersiders crouched around a trash fire. Be glad someone didn't toss that to you." He spoke of his art with the enthusiasm of a seven-year-old. "Um, I should wait to importune you, but..." He grinned shyly. "A confession, and then a request. And then you must forgive me for being so forward. It's not easy for me to ask a favor." "Relax," I said. "It's easy for me to turn one down." He glanced at me and decided I was joking. The surprising thing is that I was. "Good. My last show --" " --was glorious!" Tasha said. " --was kindly received," he said. "But an artist who would stay first among his fellows can tell when he begins to fail." "Oh?" I hoped no one would bring up my last three plays. "I must change my subject matter. No more urchins, dopers, vagrants, or whores. I want to do more traditional portraits." He spoke quickly, prepared to be rejected. "Would you permit me to do one of you? I would pay --" "Never," I said. "Ah." He shrugged lightly. "Nardo!" Tasha said. "It's an honor --" "Of course," I said. "That's why I cannot take payment." "Oh? Oh! Thank you!" Malaquez turned to Tasha. "And you as well? Perhaps the two of you together?" Her eyes became circles at the idea of being, as she undoubtedly thought it, immortalized by Emil Malaquez. Catching herself, she said casually, "Oh..." And then she smiled, laughed loudly at herself in the way that always made me think how much I loved her, and said, "My God, yes, yes, yes!" For a perfect moment, Emil and Tasha and I were one entity, laughing until our lungs hurt. This is torture. I had not considered that I might not write to learn, but to punish myself. Let me abuse the playwright and dismiss the penultimate scene in a few sentences: After giving Emil full rights to a sculpture of Tasha and me, we had a good dinner of curried clam chowder, lobsters boiled on Terra and unstopped still steaming on N'Apulco, and cinnamon custard for desert. Then we went out for a late swim. I had drunk too much, I confess, though we all had. Somehow, Tasha and I began to argue the worth of Solevgrad jazz, as inconsequential a topic as I can imagine. She had studied it in school, so she thought herself as an expert. I once had a neighbor who played it constantly, loudly, and badly, so I thought I knew it better. Malaquez tried to mediate, but I saw him as siding with Tasha. So, I think, did she. The subject shifted from music to Tasha's obsession with fame, undoubtedly by a leap that I made. She had no choice but to follow. (I do not remember any of this well, just now, nor do I care to. Those who are truly curious may look at the last act of "Captured Moments.") I remember suggesting, with characteristic tact, that she add Emil to her small list of major accomplishments. Malaquez glanced away, embarrassed. Tasha looked at me as if to say, "I will." She said, "I feel sorry for you, Nardo. I'll see Emil home." "Yes," I said, "Do that," and did not care what she did, or why. Emil asked, "You're all right?" I muttered something he must have interpreted as assent. They both walked up to Emil's home while I watched the scarlet moonlight ripple on distant waves. Disgusted with Tasha but more disgusted with myself, I finally realized she would not return that night and went into The Sleeping Flamingo to drink myself to sleep. She had not come home when I woke in mid-morning. I waited, and drank a glass of MorningAfter and three cups of coffee, and wondered whether our affair could survive the events of the night, and whether I wanted it to. Perhaps I should have invited Emil to stay, but even then I knew that sex was not the problem between Tasha and me. The problem was that I have trouble distinguishing between compromise and capitulation, between symbols and substance. Shortly before noon, I climbed the sandy path to Dream's End, rehearsing my apology, slowing only to pluck burrs from between my sandals and my feet. Malaquez answered the door in blood-red pajamas and a black silk robe. Sixty years ago in a similar situation, I had broken my knuckles on someone's face. I merely said, "Is Tasha here?" He pursed his lips slightly, then nodded. "Yes." "May I see her?" When he hesitated, I said, "Last night was my fault. I hold it against neither of you. Please. Let me talk to her." "I --" "Please." He looked me and at last said, "Very well." We walked through his house in silence. It was as attractive and as impersonal as a decorator could arrange for tenants of unknown taste. A tall, narrow stopbox stood in the center of one room; sand trickled forever downward while beads of water splashed across the sand's path. If that was Malaquez's work, it was a very minor effort. But then, I was in no mood to consider art. I only wanted to despise the man who had slept with my lover. That was easier than despising myself. He paused before a bedroom door. "I should go in first. To prepare her." I smiled. "She handles surprise surprisingly well." "What would it hurt?" "True. Go ahead. Tell her..." I shrugged. "Tell her I love her." He studied me, then said, "I'm sorry things happened this way, Bernardo. I didn't anticipate last night --" "I'm very good at making things happen this way. But if Tasha will forgive me --" He nodded, repeated, "I am sorry," then slipped into the next room. I waited in the dark, carpeted hall. A warm breeze came from silent vents above me. I heard no voices until Malaquez said, "Enter." I blinked when I opened the door. Sunlight filled Malaquez's bedroom. Tasha lay sprawled nude on a rumpled bed. Her skin seemed as smooth and as polished as the bed's teak frame. She was looking slightly to my left, smiling with trust and satisfaction like one sexually content. Malaquez stood near her, pointing something at my chest. Though the morning sun shone fully on both of them, it shimmered around Tasha. The part of my mind that remembered four months in NorAm during the Great Cleaning sent me rolling across the floor. Malaquez was not prepared for me to react so quickly, or perhaps he waited too long for an expression I would not have, a gesture I would not make, a poignant moment of repentence, wonder, despair, or love. Had he been faster, he could have had rage. I threw a chair at him. As he fell, I scrambled onto him, my knees pinning his arms, my fingers probing his neck. I shouted, "Where is she? Tell me, or I'll kill --" He began to cry. "She left. Earlier this morning --" Her clothes lay by the cube enclosing the bed. I hit him with the back of my hand. "Tell me, Malaquez." "She wanted to be famous. She did! Now she will be." He seemed to expect me to understand. "Where!" I demanded, squeezing his throat until he began jerking his head madly at the sculpture. I stared at the naked Tasha. Most of his story I have pieced together since, but I understood enough as I knelt on his chest with my hands tight on his fleshy throat. He had made his name with a home capturador. He began with small animals and moved on to derelicts and Undersiders, people who would never be missed. Now he had thought to use vacationers like Tasha and me, and when someone came looking, he would say we had gone island-hopping in our windboat. Our boat would disappear into the ocean to be found or not as the wind and tides chose. His story would stand in either case. I wanted him to tell me more, but he babbled, begging me to forgive him, to understand. I did not listen. I took the capturador, a matte black Tiempo Capturado, from his grip and studied it, not really thinking about it or Malaquez or Tasha. I think I was wondering what it meant to say that a thing was art, so we accepted it as art. Or perhaps I was thinking about the things that humanity made that would outlive our species. But I was probably only looking at my reflection in the capturador's lens. Had he said then that I should use it on myself, I might have. That moment passed. I looked at Malaquez. His eyes opened wider while we watched each other. His lips contorted as if they had lost their ability to shape sound. I turned to touch the cube that was Tasha's crypt. She smiled in trust or pleasure or pride, an erotic Mona Lisa who would smile forever, and I could never know why. The controls of the capturador were more complex than those of a kitchen model, but I recognized the unstop tab. I could free Tasha. If I did, one of three things would happen. Most likely: she would be meat --there is a reason why stopboxes are most often used in kitchens. Less likely: she would live the rest of her days with a mind as free of worry as a slug's. And the tiniest chance of all: she would blink as if I had just materialized in Emil's bedroom, and then she would laugh and tell me that she was going to be immortal. As I put my hand on the impervious surface of Tasha's stopbox, I heard Malaquez run for the door. It is strange to know that we can do acts of unrepayable kindness to those we should hate. Know this, my future self: Thanks to us, Emil Malaquez's name will live as long as his masterpiece, "A Self-Portrait: Anguish," endures. And Tasha? I could say that I did not dare to take responsibility for her fate. I could say that I chose out of consideration for her desire for fame; some critics already say "Waking With Tasha" is Malaquez's finest work. If science finds a way to safely free the subjects of Emil's art, perhaps the I who reads this file will know that my decision is wise. But I cannot stop thinking that I was never afraid of losing Tasha to brain damage or death. My fear is that she would live, and I would learn that I had lost her long before Emil Malaquez translated her into a thing that can be kept, admired, and loved. For in my way, I have done the same thing. I am ready for the mindwipe now.