Dam it…..

"No, I didn't actually build this one," said the beaver to the rabbit, as they stared up at the immense bulk of the Hydro-Electric Power Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."


DUMB SPORTS QUOTES 
"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) 
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) 
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50." 
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) 
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) 
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) 
"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) 
"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering) 
"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect." (Ted Lowe) 
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)


How's that again??
In the Opera 'Tosca', Mario (under sentence of death) sings this song. The translation offered below seems to lose a little of the 'flowing charm' of the original Italian……. Yes??
The stars were shining...the dirt smelt 
sweet...and the garden gate needs oiling. 
A footstep brushed the sand and my lover, 
who smells, tripped and I caught her. 
Oh, soft kisses, tender caresses, send me 
into seizures while I discover her face. 
My dream of love is vanished forever, that 
time is gone and my despair is killing me. 
Boy, do I love being alive.


New Commandments
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected.
1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
9. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
10. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives, and 700 porcupines.
14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.


Dress Sense
Employed by the human-development center of a larger corporation, a young woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man shrugged, "Yeah, well, that's one benefit of owning the company."


True
"A couple of months research in the laboratory can save a couple of hours research in the library." -Westheimer's Discovery
"Gravity cannot be held responsible for two people falling in love." -Albert Einstein

Secret to Success

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Take off the receiver

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"

Coma

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
"Denise."
Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

The plane crash

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a 
cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 
bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Now hear this ...
 
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 
A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 
No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 
Don't squat with your spurs on. 
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 
The best time to miss a train is at a crossing.
And, finally, never play leap frog with a unicorn.