Offbeat Joke

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.
Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you, sync or swim."
The Human Race Is Doomed
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products; 
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - 
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - 
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - 
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - 
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - 
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - 
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE EFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids 
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - 
OPEN OTHER END. 
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - 
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 
10. On a Sears hairdryer - 
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 
11. On a bag of Fritos - 
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!) 
12. On a bar of Dial soap - 
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) 
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - 
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - 
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - 
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to....?) 
17. On a Japanese food processor - 
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - 
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts 
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - 
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 
21. On a child's superman costume - 
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 
22. On some frozen dinners 
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. 
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box 
FITS ONE HEAD. 
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron 
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine 
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. 
26. On Nytol sleep aid 
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)


Guess the sex of the originator of this one!! 
Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. 
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. 
One by one, they offered their evidence... 
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN 
1. His first name was Jesus 
2. He was bilingual 
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities
 
But then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS BLACK 
1. He called everybody "brother" 
2. He liked Gospel 
3. He couldn't get a fair trial 

Then there were equally good arguments that...
JESUS WAS JEWISH 
1. He went into His Father's business 
2. He lived at home until he was 33 
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was 
God 

Then there were equally good arguments that... 
JESUS WAS ITALIAN 
1. He talked with his hands 
2. He had wine with every meal 
3. He used olive oil
 
Then there were equally good arguments that... 
JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 
1. He never cut his hair 
2. He walked around barefoot 
3. He started a new religion
 
Then there were equally good arguments that... 
JESUS WAS IRISH 
1. He never got married 
2. He was always telling stories 
3. He loved green pastures 

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ... 
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ... 
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT. 
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do